


A Spell Never Broken

by perksofbeingaiko



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Sexuality Crisis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-02
Updated: 2017-03-02
Packaged: 2018-09-27 22:42:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,871
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10055039
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/perksofbeingaiko/pseuds/perksofbeingaiko
Summary: "I just don’tget itthe way you say you did. The way people act like it’s this normal thing that people feel, but it’s got to be more than that, right?”Robert, for once, didn’t say anything. He just looked at Liv before he cleared his throat, the crease in his eyebrows back. “Liv, I’m not sure if I understand what you’re saying.”Or, the sexuality crisis Liv wasn’t expecting.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is based on my own experience, as each one is different.
> 
> Title from Sleeping Beauty by Helen Trevillion

_"-then she starts to pick up the pace, she starts to walk a lot faster, so I think, ‘Oh, she must hear the train coming.’”_

Liv slouched herself further into the couch, careful not to move too much and disturb Gabby’s position beside her. They were watching some comedian on TV, having the Mill to themselves for once on a Sunday. The other girl rested on the opposite end of the couch, her back to the arm rest and her socked feet pressed against Liv’s thigh. Gabby didn’t seem to notice her shift, just pulled the blanket they had draped across themselves higher up as she smiled widely at the television.

Gabby kicked lightly at Liv’s leg as she giggled at whatever the comedian was saying. Liv wasn’t paying much attention. Her focus was on her peripherals, catching glances at how brightly Gabby would smile at a joke, how she looked rested for the first time in weeks.

Liv barely registered the front door opening before Robert poked his head into the living room. “Hey, I’m getting a start on tea. Are you staying, Gabby?” Robert asked, draping his suit jacket on the arm rest on Liv’s side, rolling up his sleeves.

Gabby looked to Liv, but shrugged. “No, I should actually be getting home. Laurel’s still with Dad, and Doug’s going to be cooking. I should be there to make sure Dotty’s alright.” She directed the answer to Liv, Robert having already left the room at the word “no.”

Ashley had been moved to hospice the month before, his faculties dropping quickly, including his ability to eat on his own. Gabby had been a mess. They all had, the Thomases. Ashley was stable now, but Laurel hadn’t been home for more than a few hours a night since Ashley had been transferred.

The television played in the background, the audience laughing along with whatever was being said, but Liv could feel her face fall as the tired look in Gabby’s eyes returned as she removed herself from under the blanket, the warmth of her gone as if she hadn’t been there.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, though, yeah?” Gabby asked, checking her pockets for her phone and purse.

“’course,” Liv replied with an air of ease she wasn’t sure she actually felt.

Gabby gave a wave and made her way out of the Mill, Liv left sitting alone.

Her chest _hurt_.

Not really her heart, but her whole chest.

She grabbed the Xbox controller and paused the episode, shutting her eyes to push the feeling down. Robert was muttering to himself in the kitchen, opening and closing cupboards.

Liv swallowed and breathed in, pushing herself off the couch and making her way into the kitchen. She stood by the doorway, watching Robert chop something by the sink, and she frowned. No matter how long she knew him, Liv would never understand how Robert could be comfortable in a dress shirt when he didn’t have to be. She would live in her hoodie if she could, practically did anyway, even when she slept.

She was like Aaron in that way. Comfort over vanity.

But watching Robert with his sleeves rolled and still in his slacks and dress shoes, she couldn’t help but feel warm at the sight of him. _This_ was Robert Sugden. This was the Robert that didn’t just make space at the Mill, but made a _home_ for her when he didn’t have to. This was the Robert that was her family those long months Aaron was away. Ugly patterned shirts and all.

_You can do this, Liv. It’s just Robert. It’s Robert. It’s Robert. It’s-_

“You alright?” Robert’s question startled Liv from her thoughts, and she focused on him, seeing he had moved from chopping and was now already shutting the oven to let whatever it was he was making bake. _Was I standing here that long?_ “You’re hovering.”

Liv opened her mouth to speak, but the words wouldn’t come. Instead she bit at the skin by her pinky nail and shrugged.

Robert just looked at her, waiting, before, “What have you done now?”

And _that_ was also Robert Sugden. Her idiot brother-in-law who couldn’t go five minutes without accusing her of something. She rolled her eyes. “Why’s it always gotta be somethin’?” she bit out before turning and heading back to the living room, flopping herself back onto the couch, pressing play and letting the television drown out her thoughts.

It wasn’t more than ten seconds before Robert was sitting down beside her. “Sorry. I know I said I’d stop doing that,” Robert said, but Liv just turned the volume louder, wanting to forget the conversation that they hadn’t even had yet.

Robert wasn’t having it, leaning across her and grabbing the controller, pausing the show again and engulfing them in silence. “Hey, really. I’m sorry.”

Liv shrugged. “Yeah, well…” she trailed off, not having much else to say.

“You looked like you were going to say something earlier. I’m listening,” Robert offered, leaning in the way he did sometimes when he was with Aaron or even Vic, trying to get them to talk when they didn’t want to.

She looked at him, his eyes expectant, and she forced herself to say it quickly. “You’re with Aaron, but you still like girls. You’re bi or whatever.”

Robert’s eyebrows scrunched in confusion. “Err, yes?”

Liv nodded, the motion more a means of processing than agreement. “Right. But, like...” She paused, not wanting to get this wrong. “How did you know? Like, how did you know…”

_No, you’re saying this wrong!_

Robert waited a few beats, obviously waiting for Liv to continue her thought, but she just _couldn’t_. She didn’t even know what she was trying to ask.

“How did I know I liked guys as well as girls?” Robert clarified, receiving another one-shoulder shrug from Liv. “Well, I’ve always knew I liked girls. Have done since I was young. But, with guys it came later. When I was maybe 13? To be honest, I thought it were just my hormones, y’know? My body reacting to anything that moved,” he said with a huffed laugh, and Liv felt her jaw tightening, but he continued on. “But it was always more than that. It wasn’t just sex. The way I felt about girls, like kissing and cuddling and all, I wanted that with a guy, too. Mind, I didn’t _do_ anything about it at the start, but I knew it was there.”

“But _how_ did you know? With girls and all.”

“How’d I know I liked girls?” Robert waited, but Liv didn’t speak. “Well, the same way everyone does, right? Going to school, seeing girls, just wanting to be around them.”

Liv cracked her knuckles slowly, giving her something to focus on. “So, you just knew? Just like that?” She didn’t mean to sound accusing, but that’s how it had come out.

“I suppose. Why do you ask?” Robert questioned.

“Because I _don’t_ know. Sex. Or feelings. All of it. I just don’t _get it_ the way you say you did. The way people act like it’s this normal thing that people feel, but it’s got to be more than that, right?”

Robert, for once, didn’t say anything. He just looked at Liv - _stared. He’s just staring_ \- before he cleared his throat, the crease in his eyebrows back. “Liv, I’m not sure if I understand what you’re saying.”

She had had enough. “Just forget it,” she said, not letting Robert call her back despite his attempts to, instead heading to her room and shutting the door hard, clicking the lock in place. She threw herself onto her bed, hugging her pillow tightly to her body, trying not to cry. She didn’t even know _why_ she felt like crying.

 _He didn’t understand. You were right, there_ is _something wrong with ya._

********

Robert watched Liv storm off, his calls doing nothing but making her move away from him faster. He let out a sigh, frustrated with himself at not knowing what to say to her.

Things had been better between them, since Aaron came home. They’d been better since the wedding, really, but there was a tension pulled tightly between them. She had gotten herself mixed up in a two versus one battle between Bernice and Doug while Aaron had been in prison, and truthfully Robert hadn’t cared to get between it. Liv was smart, and aside from a ruined vegetable cart and an upset step-family to deal with, he had had bigger things to worry about.

Once Aaron came home, though, they’d allowed themselves to gravitate around each other once more, including each other in conversations, generally keeping an eye out for one another. They were slowly becoming a family in more than name and a shared love for Aaron.

And now the _one time_ Liv came to Robert for something, before even going to Aaron, he’d gone and unintentionally offended her.

But he just didn’t understand. Robert had never been questioned about knowing he liked girls before. With guys, yeah, the question came up more than he would have liked, but _girls_? It was like she was saying she’d never had a crush on anyone before, boy or girl, and _that’s_ what didn’t make sense. Everyone has had a crush on _someone_ , there had to be something he was missing.

He had a brief moment where he thought that maybe-

_No. No, that’s not it. She’s not a socio-_

Robert shook himself of the thought, not allowing himself to go there. Instead, he busied himself with the rest of the food prep, checking on the chicken and cleaning the cutting board, anything to keep him busy until he heard the front door open, Aaron finally home to distract him.

He heard Aaron head straight for their room to wash up, and he set out the plates, making one for Liv and wrapping it in cling film, hoping to leave it as a peace offering as soon as she surfaced. Aaron sat down at the table and dug into his food without much preamble outside of a “thanks for this” said through a mouthful which, thankfully, Robert still found endearing, his honeymoon stage not yet wearing off.

They ate in comfortable silence, not having much to say since they worked out of the same portacabin and generally saw each other most of the day, but the thing with Liv was nagging at him. Liv had come to him, yes, but this was _Aaron_. She had to have known Robert would tell him about it.

_Right?_

“So, Liv and I had a bit of a… strange talk today,” he started, breaking the quiet from the scrapes of cutlery against plates that had filled the silence.

“Like what?” Aaron asked, following his words by another forkful.

“Well, she had been on the couch with Gabby when I came home, and as soon as Gabby left, Liv started asking me questions about how I knew I was bi. Or, well, not exactly that. More like, how I knew that I liked guys as well as girls. Well, no, not actually that either,” Robert said, watching Aaron put his fork down to give him his full attention and copying him, crossing his arms over his chest.

“It was more like she was asking how I knew I had feelings for people, and I didn’t know what to say. It was like she was telling me she didn’t _feel_ things, but I know that’s not true. Anyway, I stuck my foot in it, because she just got angry with me and locked herself in her room.”

He watched Aaron’s face flicker through a few emotions – confusion, then worry – before settling on concern. “Do you think she might’ve been tryin’ to come out to ya?” Aaron asked.

“I honestly don’t know. I don’t think _she_ even knew,” Robert answered. It hadn’t sounded like Liv was trying to come out, but he’d never really been in the receiving end of that conversation before. Maybe he had misread her anger for embarrassment.

Aaron pointed to Liv’s room. “Should I go talk to her, do you think?”

“Just let her sleep it off. Let her collect her thoughts and she’ll come to us again when she’s ready,” Robert decided. He watched as Aaron settled back into his seat with a small grin, biting at his lip like he always did. “What?” Robert asked, not able to stop the huff of a laugh and his own smile taking over at seeing Aaron’s features soften.

“Just you, bein’ all brotherly to her,” Aaron said with a soft nudge to Robert’s hand with the back of his own, “looks good on you is all.”

“Well, she’s my family, too.” Every time Robert said it, he felt it more and more. He’d missed out with Vic. He had been away for the entirety of her teenage years, so in many ways it felt like he was getting another chance with Liv. To get it right this time.

Robert reached out for Aaron’s hand, always craving moments of affection. They would never be that couple, the one to hold hands as they walked or wrap arms around each other in public spaces, but in this house that they were slowly growing used to, he wanted to fill every inch of it with his love for Aaron.

********

Liv blinked slowly awake, her body tense from how she had fallen asleep. Her room was dark now, but that didn’t say much. The sun had started to set earlier nowadays, and through her groggy sleep-addled brain, she barely registered if the **6:27** on her clock was AM or PM. Outside her room, she heard the distinct sound of Aaron’s gait as he walked through the hall into his and Robert’s room and then back out to the kitchen, his return home having been what must have stirred her awake.

Liv rubbed at her eyes. She hadn’t cried, but her body still felt exhausted. Her stomach clenched with hunger when she remembered Robert had been cooking before-

Sighing, she left the dark of her room in search for food, stopping in the hallway when she heard Robert’s voice from the table where he and Aaron were sat eating.

“-and I didn’t know what to say. It was like she was telling me she didn’t feel things, but I know that’s not true.” Liv bit her tongue to stop herself from making a sound, straining to hear Aaron’s reply.

“Should I go talk to her, do you think?”

_No no no._

“Just let her sleep it off. Let her collect her thoughts and she’ll come to us again when she’s ready,” Robert said, pausing before Liv heard him laugh slightly, “what?”

“Just you, bein’ all brotherly to her,” Aaron replied, and Liv nearly gagged at the fondness in his voice, the sentiments that contrasted so abruptly with her own twisting her stomach in knots.

“Well she’s my family, too.” She had heard enough. Liv cursed quietly, turning away to shut herself back into her room, no longer hungry.

She kept the lights off, tucking herself into her bed and pulling the blanket over her shoulder, resting on her side and bringing up her phone, the bright light blinding as she opened her browser.

 **Google search:** _i don’t know if i like guys or girls_  
**74,500,000 results:**  
_What sexuality are you? (girls only) – All The Tests_  
_“Sounds like your lesbian if you like girls and find boys annoying”_

Liv rolled her eyes. Yeah, of course boys were annoying. But girls were annoying, too.

 **Google search:** _i don’t know if i like anyone_  
**592,000,000 results:**  
_Borderline Personality Disorder_  
_How to Know if You Like Someone, or if You’re Just Lonely_

 **Google search:** _never had a crush on anyone_  
**1,680,000 results**

“Reddit and some asexual thing, great,” Liv said to herself, locking her phone and tossing her it to the side. Reddit was hardly going to be helpful, and she wasn’t some sort of plant. She didn’t even know the right words to Google- _can’t even get that right_ \- and she just felt tired.

She forced her eyes shut and willed for sleep that wouldn’t come.

********

**Google search:** _What is it called when you’ve never liked anyone?_  
**17,300,000 results**

Robert sat on the couch with his laptop, Aaron having already gone to bed with a kiss and a promise not to stay up too late working.

Robert had just wanted to see if Liv would come out of her room for her tea, but it had gone past 8 o’clock and he hadn’t heard more than a slight shuffling of her turning in her bed, letting him know she was at least still _there_ and hadn’t sneaked off somehow.

He had intended to just check his emails before bed, but he couldn’t let it rest. Instead he found himself waist deep in Google searches linking him to all sorts.

He was going to find something to help her if it took all night.

********

The sun had well passed risen by the time that Liv finally pulled herself out of bed to get ready for school. Pulling the grey sweater over her button-down, she shook her hair out from the static. It was getting harder and harder to do much of anything with it than stick it in a ponytail these days.

She waited by her door, listening for any sign of her brother or Robert, but the Mill stayed quiet. Chancing it, she hurried down the stairs and grabbed her backpack from the hallway, almost making it to the door before she heard Robert call, “Liv!” She paused, but turned to him, watching him button his cuffs before giving her a smile.

“You didn’t eat last night, thought you might want something before school,” he said.

“Nah, ‘s alright. Gonna be meeting Gabby and Noah at the caf,” she said, pointing behind her toward the door and slowly backing away. “So I should really go.”

“Well, hang on. I was headed that way. Mind if I walk with you?” Robert asked, already grabbing his jacket to follow her out the door. Liv didn’t say anything, just turned and walked out, hearing Robert follow behind her and lock the door. Gravel crunched under her feet, and she forced herself not to pick up the pace. _Too obvious_.

She regretted not doing so when she felt a hand on her shoulder, Robert stalling her and silently asking her to turn and face him. “Liv, I want to talk about yesterday, and don’t give me that face,” he said, and Liv wasn’t aware she had been pulling one. “I’m not trying to embarrass you or anything. But I did a bit of Googling, and-”

“It’s fine. I don’t know what I was even sayin’ yesterday. I’m sorted now, so,” she said. If his search history had been anything like her own, she really didn’t need telling that she might have a personality disorder or whatever it was he’d sussed out.

“I just think-”

“I said drop it, Robert!” She hadn’t meant to snap, but she couldn’t handle this after having no sleep the night before and a thousand thoughts already jumping around in her head. “Sorry, but, just leave it.”

She turned away and head toward the café, not hearing Robert behind her. By the time she got to Bob and Brenda’s, Robert wasn’t anywhere near her, and she let herself relax again. Gabby was already sat on the couch in the corner, scrolling through her phone as she waited for Liv and Noah, but they both knew Noah would be late. He always was, with Charity minding him.

“Y’alright?” Liv asked, sitting down beside Gabby and dropping her backpack to the floor.

“Hmm?” Gabby questioned, looking up from her phone. “Oh, yeah. Guess who’s been texting Oli all night? Think Jacob’s finally getting jealous,” she said with a smirk, looking back down at her phone again.

 _That_ was another thing Liv didn’t want to deal with. With everything between Ashley’s transfer and David’s cancer scare flaring Jacob’s anxiety, the last thing she thought Gabby needed was _another_ guy in the way to make Jacob jealous. But that was how she was distracting herself, and Liv was going to put Gabby’s feelings over Jacob’s every time.

“So, what happens when Oli thinks you’re proper interested in him? You’ll, what? Date him?” Liv asked.

“I dunno. He’s cute, and it’s not like I would exactly mind having a bit of attention from someone for once,” Gabby answered, and Liv rolled her eyes.

“I pay attention to you loads,” she said.

Gabby laughed softly. “Yeah, but that’s not exactly the same, is it?” she asked, like it was ridiculous for Liv to compare the two. And maybe it was. It wasn’t like Liv had another frame of reference for this situation.

“But what if he wants to do more?” Liv pried.

“Well, it’s not like _Jacob’s_ offering anything. Plus, I’m nearly sixteen, I’ve got to do something some time, right?”

“Really?” Liv asked, shocked by the ease of her answer. “You think about that kind of stuff?”

“What, sex?” Gabby laughed. “Of course, everyone does. Did you know girls think about sex just as much as boys do? It’s, like, a statistic or something.”

And there was that feeling again. Her chest hurt, the way it always did when Gabby smiled or talked about boys and Liv couldn’t do anything about it. But more than that, she felt a little sick.

_Everyone does._

Gabby looked down at her phone and pat Liv’s leg. “Let’s go,” she said, picking up her own bag and waited for Liv to do the same.

_Everyone._

Liv stood and followed her out to the bus stop.

_Everyone. Except you._

********

Aaron sat a pint down in front of him and slowly shut Robert’s laptop. “C’mon, you’ve been on that all day. Can you just sit with me and have a drink for a few minutes?” Aaron asked, and Robert sighed.

“Sorry, of course I can.” Robert took a sip and wiped the foam from his lip. “Hey, so I think I’ve finally found the curtains I was looking for. You know, the one with the paisley print?”

“Not this again,” Aaron groaned, slouching himself back in the chair. “I told you, _solid_ colors, Rob. Maybe striped if it suits it, but any other pattern is going to look weird.”

“Paisley hardly looks ‘weird’ if it’s all the same shade.”

“What’s the point of it if it’s going to look solid anyway then?”

“It gives the room depth!” They had had this argument before, and Robert loved it, as annoying as it was, because _obviously a solid color would make the room look flat, Aaron_. But these arguments about curtains – this week at least. The one before had been about the pros and cons of having a _third_ bedsheet set – was easy. It was bickering at best, and reminded Robert how easy it felt to be someone’s husband. To be _Aaron’s_ husband.

They’d never be a boring old couple, but sometimes it was nice to just be domestic for a while.

“Fine, if you’re gettin’ your tacky curtains, I’m gettin’ the wall speakers out back,” Aaron compromised.

Robert scrunched his face in disgust, knowing fully well which part of that agreement was going to look “tacky”, but agreed. Aaron smirked like he had won when Liv walked in, searching the room before seeing them and head toward their table.

“What’s happened?” Liv asked, looking between the pair of them. “Rob texted me to meet you here. Sounded like someone had died.”

“That’s a bit dramatic,” Robert said.

“Err, ‘Come to the pub right after school. I’ve got something I need to tell you and it can’t wait.’ Sounds a bit dramatic to me,” Liv said, reciting Robert’s text.

“What’s going on?” Aaron questioned, and Robert stood up.

“Hey, Charity, is it alright if we use your back room for a moment?” Robert asked Charity from where she stood behind the bar, who shrugged, unconcerned.

Robert nod his head for Aaron and Liv to follow him back then gestured toward the sofa for Aaron and Liv to sit, waiting for them to do so before sitting beside Liv, turning toward her. He wanted to do this here, where she’d be comfortable. Though the Mill was _theirs_ , it was still too new, and the pub was their first home together.

“This thing you’ve been avoiding since yesterday is clearly still bothering you. You tried to talk to me and I messed it up, and since then you’ll barely be in the same room with me,” Robert started, and watched as Liv tensed and Aaron leaned forward to look at them. “You asked, before, about how I knew I liked girls, and I’ll be honest. The question didn’t make any sense to me then. But I think I understand now what you were trying to ask. Liv, have you heard about something called ‘asexual’ before?”

********

“What, like a plant or something?” Liv clenched her jaw, her anger rising. Was Robert really going there, saying she was something out of a biology textbook of some sort? “Go on, just say it. I’ve got something wrong with me, it’s not like I don’t already know.”

“No, not like a plant,” Robert said gently. “And there’s nothing wrong with you. I was reading about it and there’s this whole group of people who were describing feeling the same way it sounded like you were trying to tell me.”

Liv pressed her lips together, the anger draining from her body and replacing itself with-

_Hope?_

-as she listened to Robert. “Yeah?”

“Yeah. Apparently it’s when you don’t feel attraction to anyone, y’know… _sexually_ ,” Robert said, and Liv could tell he was trying not to grimace at the thought of Liv having – or not having – sexual thoughts. Aaron shifted beside her, and she knew he was trying to hide his discomfort as well.

_Guys, honestly._

“But the thing also said that it goes for general romantic feelings as well. Not really having them for other people, or like only for selective people. I’m not so sure on that, but it sounded like it’s a normal thing some people feel,” Robert continued.

Liv let that sink in. _Normal._ She hadn’t felt anything close to normal in years – she was broody and scrappy the way other girls she knew weren’t – let alone feeling normal about something like this.

She could feel herself slowly smiling and watched Robert smile as well. But then a thought hit her, and her shoulders sank. Liv leaned forward with her elbows on her knees and her face in her hands, groaning.

“Great. So what you’re sayin’ is that I finally feel something and I’ve gone and done it for someone who could never like me back?”

She turned to look at Aaron, not wanting to see Robert’s face fall. He’d helped, he really had, and she didn’t want to see his disappointment.

“Gabby?” Aaron asked, and Liv just nodded. She could feel her face start to flush. Embarrassment, but also the start of tears. She hated that part of herself, the one that cried too easily.

Aaron blew out a breath. “Look, Liv. I know what it’s like, to like a mate who you know can’t like you back the way you want them to. And it’s like, you want to be around them but not for the right reasons?” he posed it as a question, and neither Liv nor Robert needed to ask.

_Adam._

“But, if they’re really your mate,” Aaron continued, “they’ll love you no matter what, because you’re brilliant. And there _will_ be other people.”

“But what if there aren’t?” Liv wanted to scream. “That’s the point! It took me this long to even feel something for another person, and it was all for nothing. What if it doesn’t happen again? What if I can’t care about someone like this again?”

“C’mere,” Robert said, putting his arm around Liv and pulling her in. He budged himself and Liv closer to Aaron, surrounding her by them. “I know you don’t want to hear this, but you’re fifteen. You’re _so_ young and there are so many people out there in the world. You’ll feel this way again.”

“Robert’s right. You can’t let this determine everythin’ for ya. And you know, being… _asexual_ or anything else doesn’t change anything, right? You’ve got so much to offer, Liv, and when you find someone you’re wanting to share it all with, they’re going to be the luckiest person in the world.”

Liv nudged him on the arm. “Soft,” she teased, rubbing at her eyes.

She didn’t know if she’d tell Gabby. Wasn’t sure if she was ready to talk about it anymore without understanding it herself. She still didn’t know if this meant she was some off-shoot of lesbian, or bisexual, or whatever.

But the point was that she didn’t feel _broken_ , which had been haunting her long before meeting Gabby or even Aaron.

And that had to be enough for her right now.

**Author's Note:**

> Liv: *googles questions to understand her sexuality or lack thereof and allows herself to come to terms with something she never knew was an option for her*
> 
> Me: *googles if Brits call it "plastic wrap" or "Saran wrap" and finds out it's neither and has a mini-crisis*
> 
> Anyway, this was something I’ve been wanting to write for a long time, and I finally had the perfect character to be an outlet for it. Thank you for reading, my loves. Please validate me. 
> 
> As always, I’m at [strongboyfriends](http://strongboyfriends.tumblr.com/) on tumblr.


End file.
